My New Christmas Career

I LOVE Christmas.  I love to give gifts and I love to open them.  However, the whole process of people getting me gifts makes me stressed out.  I hate telling people "No, I really like the gift, I just maybe would have chosen a different color..." because that really means, "I don't like this gift, but I feel bad for saying it."  And I do. I feel AWFUL for saying it.

When I was 5 my mom bought me a pair of pink cowboy boots.  They were a soft pink leather with a glitter lightening bolt down the side and pink leather fringe.  I kid you not.  I think about them now and one word comes to mind: awesome.  However, at age 5, I opened these boots on Christmas morning and as soon as I saw them I BURST into tears. Bawling. I hated those boots.  But I was not crying because I hated them so much I was crying because I knew I was going to have to tell my mom I hated them.  The whole thing seems a bit odd to me:

Don't you think the tears would have given away my extreme dislike?

Way for me to be an extremely sensitive 5 year old.

Nice style sense Bonnie. What were you thinking? Those things were money.

I feel like if I would have kept those boots I may be a country singer and not a seminary student.

So this Christmas I am bound and determined not to cry because I am afraid someone's feelings will get hurt, but even more I am going to look for a career opportunity in my gifts.  My mom always tells me she wont buy me a surfboard until I learn to surf.  I tell her that it's too much work to rent one, if I just owned  one I would surf the waves like I was born to do it.  So I just feel like this year could be the year, that someone will get me a gift that will just turn my life around, and this is what I asked for:

Gift: Exercise workout DVD               
Career: I am loud enough, I could totally do that


Gift: Hanson Take the Walk Shoes      
Career: Shoe Model. Missionary


Gift: Canon Digital Camera                  
Career: Professional Photographer. Small sales to my mom on Etsy

Gift: Roxy Surf Board                          
Career: Enough said.

Boys vs. Girls: Tug of War

Hey Ladies.

I have a bit of news for you that the male population would like you to know.  Be it your boyfriend, your dad, your husband, your coworker, your neighbor, your mailman; they all would like this info made known.

If they are: tired, hungry, or sick, they are the most tired, the most hungry, and the sickest that anyone has ever been. Ever. And ever will be.

And in case you think that you could understand the agonizing pain they are in, you can't.  Because you have not been working, going to the store, cooking, or trying to do anything that would cause you to use energy.  No.  Instead you have been lying around all day (every day) sleeping and eating, so you are constantly renewing your energy source and also  by nature "healthy" is your middle name.

So please, when you hear a male say they are really tired, or extremely hungry, or that this time they are so sick you would not understand how much their throat hurts; please do not try to empathize, that's insulting to their pain.  But, take that as a warning and gear up, because this time wont even come close to the discomfort they will be in next time.

It's Never Too Early to Start Parenting

Yes kids.  We would totally smoke you in a kissing tournament.

Parenting who?  My future kids.


I thought of the BEST way to freak them out and stop them from making out all the time, especially in our living room, or their room.

Bonnie! People don't make out on couches or in their rooms when they are teenagers. 

Um yes the do.  So relax, and get prepared.

When Cy and I catch one of our children playing tonsil hockey in our house, in the car, at the football game, or at the movies, we are going to go up right next to them and we are going to start making out too.  Yes that is right, we are going to show them that there is not just one team in the league, and that we too can toss that puck.

The natural response will be, "Mom and Dad, SICK!" And to that I will say, "What?  Are we too loud?"  Which will invoke vomit of some sort, and if our son or daughter throws up on his or her date, then there goes that date, no longer a worry.

Then, from that moment on, we are going to instill a rule, that if our son or daughter wants to kiss his or her girlfriend or boyfriend then they have to do it in the same room as me and Cy, like a make-out party. They will NEVER want to do this, and therefore they wont make out in our house, or anywhere near where they think we might just randomly "show up."  This is abstinence training at it's finest.

Genius.

I told Cy this idea, and he looked so grossed out and like I needed help.  But true artists are never appreciated in their time.